Every parent or guardian was, at some point, a teenager themselves. And depending on your life experience, it can be easy to assume, when a teen under your care is struggling, that the phase or mood will pass — chalking it up to hormones, a developing brain, or simply a rite of passage.
But after one too many slammed doors, raised voices, and hurtful words you never imagined saying or hearing, some parents find themselves asking, “Is this really… normal?”
And underneath that question is often a well of shame: “Am I doing this wrong?”
The truth is, love is far from the only thing that a teenager needs from a parent or guardian. Teens rely on their parents to model the types of relational and emotional skills they’ll need to become grounded and healthy adults. Parents are meant to be an anchor in that sea of turbulent emotions that, yes, can be so intense at this stage of life!
But too few parents actually received the kinds of support they needed as young people to, in turn, nurture that kind of resilience in their children.
And while there may be fear or shame in realizing you need to change your approach, it’s important to remember that knowing better is what empowers us as parents to do better.
Good parents aren’t perfect parents — they’re attuned parents, who notice their child is continuing to struggle and can say, “This isn’t working. What should we try instead?”
If you’ve reached a point with your teen where you know something isn’t working, we’re so glad you found this resource.
This article will explain some of those foundational skills in supporting a teen through their emotional process — including what “emotional dysregulation” actually means — as well as what supports can help struggling teens and their parents find their anchor again.
Emotions as Information: What Your Teen’s Emotions May Be Telling You
In order to support a teen through their emotional experiences, it’s important to first understand the function of emotions.
It can be helpful to think of emotions generally as information — meaning, they are signals from our bodies that guide us toward self-protective actions.
For example, if you were walking in the woods and spotted a bear, your body would likely flood you with fear, alerting you to the danger and prompting you to act urgently. Similarly, anger can often signal when our boundaries have been crossed, and we need to advocate for ourselves, like when a boss at work is taking advantage of us.
When you’re hurt or experience a major loss, and you begin to feel sad and maybe even cry, this can be thought of in much the same way. That sadness could be prompting you to connect with others who can support you in that vulnerable moment, or to disrupt any avoidance you might be engaging in and give more space to the grief you haven’t allowed yourself to feel yet.
Many of us think of emotions as being inherently irrational, or something to control or contain. In actuality, when we learn to process our emotions in a healthy way, they can help us identify unmet needs and take steps to support and protect our well-being.
Much of this learning happens for us long before we’re adults going on hikes or dealing with bosses at work, however. In fact, from the time that we’re infants, we’re already experiencing emotions that help us get our needs met — that’s actually why we’re usually born screaming and crying!
How our caregivers respond to us — whether they hold or feed us when we cry, or rush to our side when we fuss — shapes how we learn to express our emotions, soothe ourselves, or in some cases, tamp down on or suppress our emotions.
If you’ve heard of something called “attachment theory,” this is the basis for that theory.
When we are very young, our caregiver(s) are effectively our only way of regulating or soothing our emotions. As we get older, we begin to learn how to do this independently. As you might have guessed, our teen years are a prime time for practicing emotional regulation in a more independent way, with the support of our caregiver(s).
However, if we did not (or still don’t!) feel safe and secure as children — either because our emotions weren’t responded to appropriately, and/or because of a traumatic event or environment — how we experience and act on our emotions can become unhelpful, and even harmful to ourselves and those around us.
In other words? That slammed door isn’t saying “I hate you, Mom.” It may actually be saying something like, “I don’t feel heard” or “I need space.”
What is Emotional Dysregulation? What Does It Look Like in Teens?
To understand emotional dysregulation, it helps to first discuss what emotional regulation is.
Someone who is emotionally regulated is able to notice and identify the emotions that are present for them, and are able to sit with those emotions until they pass or cope in supportive ways.
You might think of it as balancing the scales. When faced with a stressful event or trigger, emotional regulation is the process of feeling our feelings and calming ourselves, so we can rebalance the scales without getting overwhelmed or completely out of balance.
Emotional dysregulation, in contrast, is when those emotions are experienced as overpowering. Rather than feeling our feelings and self-soothing, we may act out in ways that are unhelpful or even harmful.
Is My Teen Emotionally Dysregulated?
In teens — just like adults — emotional dysregulation can look like lashing out, yelling or cursing, insulting someone, being overly critical. They may make big generalizations, like “you always” or “you never.” Their outward emotional expression might seem explosive or disproportionate to the situation.
For some teens, especially some autistic teens or teens with trauma, it can also mean completely shutting down, becoming non-responsive, emotionally dulled or numbed, or even non-verbal.
Dysregulation can also result in reaching for maladaptive coping tools (so, ways of coping that are harmful and may worsen overtime, like substance use, depriving oneself of food or comfort, or self-injury).
It’s important to remember that we all experience emotional dysregulation from time to time. And during times of upheaval or disrupted routines, we’re even less likely to have the bandwidth to self-soothe, leaving us vulnerable to dysregulation.
That doesn’t mean we’ve failed as people! It just makes it all the more important to plan ahead during stressful times, notice when we’re becoming dysregulated, and to take good and consistent care of ourselves so we can come back to our more regulated baseline.
Because teenagers are still developing and learning to soothe themselves independently, they’re more likely to experience emotional dysregulation, especially with parents who struggle to regulate themselves — and they may not have the tools and skills yet to cope.
The Importance of Emotionally Regulated Parents
Since children and teens are effectively modeling their own self-soothing after their parents, this makes it critical for parents to remain anchored, even and especially when their teens are “acting out” or expressing big feelings.
This isn’t always easy to do, however, especially because dysregulation in one person tends to provoke dysregulation in another.
Chances are, if you’ve been parenting your child for some time, you’ll have already experienced this cycle of emotional dysregulation with them — likely without even realizing another way of parenting was possible.
What an Emotionally Regulated Response Looks Like
Let’s say your toddler has decided to turn the dining room table into a paint canvas, painting hearts directly onto the table. All smiles, they point at their masterpiece and exclaim, “I made it for you! Look how pretty!”
An emotionally regulated parent will still allow themselves to be human in this moment — namely, to notice the anger and frustration they feel upon seeing the dining table being misused in this way.
But rather than lashing out at the child, the parent is able to feel their anger while still supporting their child’s creativity. They may take a few deep breaths, remind themselves of their child’s good intentions, and allow themselves to still be curious about the art.
“Yes, so pretty!” they might say back. “What did you paint?”
Only after meeting their child’s need for connection, the parent can then remind the child that a canvas would be a better choice for next time, and encourage them to help clean up afterward.
This is because a parent’s job isn’t just upholding rules — it’s responding to their child’s emotional needs.
In this case, the child’s painting was an extension of their desire to positively connect with the parent, and express love! Because of this, how they react to their child’s creative expression may set a precedent for how safe they feel to express themselves in the future.
What an Emotionally Dysregulated Response Looks Like
An emotionally dysregulated parent, however, may react quickly out of anger, without slowing down and self-soothing. “What did you DO?” they might yell. “Look at my table! It’s ruined!”
The child may become confused and ashamed, not understanding why the artwork they created to connect with their parent has now resulted in raised voices, anger, and hostility.
This surge of confusion, shame, and disappointment may overwhelm or even scare the child, especially because they don’t yet have the tools to manage it. They may begin to cry or throw a tantrum.
This, in turn, might provoke shame or frustration in the parent, who may continue to reject or lecture the child, rather than responding to their child’s need for reassurance and comfort.
The Cycle of Emotional Dysregulation
The cycle of dysregulation isn’t just about what happened in the moment, though.
If the child skipped their nap that day, for example, they may be more vulnerable to criticism. If the parent didn’t sleep well the night before, they may not be able to self-soothe as effectively the next day.
In short, the cycle of dysregulation between parents and children is influenced by so-called vulnerability factors (so, what stressors are present, due to things like sleep, appetite, life circumstances, etc), which then culminates with a trigger (so, an event that provokes a strong emotion).
That trigger is then followed by an action that, in turn, may activate or trigger the other person. The subsequent interactions between the parent and child can either amplify those emotions, resulting in more triggering actions. Or, if the parent is able to self-soothe, they may eventually help regulate them both, or co-regulate, disrupting the cycle.
This is true not just of toddlers or children, though, but of teens too. Because teens are not fully developed, they are still learning to self-soothe, and as a result, cannot be expected to regulate in the same way that an adult can.
This doesn’t mean that teens aren’t responsible for how their actions impact others! Rather, it means that the parent’s ability to self-regulate becomes crucial in helping the teen successfully regulate as well.
How Parents Can Support a Teen’s Emotional Regulation
The cycle of dysregulation can be interrupted. The truth is, most parents simply aren’t taught another way!
There are several ways a parent can support their teen’s emotional regulation, however — and it thankfully doesn’t require that a parent be perfect all the time. Instead, all that’s needed is a willingness to practice and learn alongside their teen.
Strengthen Your Own Regulation Skills
As mentioned before, one of the best ways to support a teen’s regulation is to parent from a regulated place. One of the first skills we teach at Evolve is based in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), called STOP. It’s useful for parents and teens alike.
STOP is an acronym that you can draw on in the heat of the moment, when you feel yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed or activated. It stands for:
Stop
You might literally imagine a stop sign, stop moving altogether (as if you’re frozen in place), or even say aloud, “Let’s stop.”
The goal of this step is to disrupt your reaction. Even if the emotions feel urgent, and even if someone is demanding a response, you do not need to immediately react to whatever the trigger may be.
Take a step back
This could be taking a deep breath, placing your hand to your heart, or reminding yourself that you are safe.
The goal of this step is to create a buffer between the emotion you’re feeling, and the action you may decide to take as a result.
Observe
Now that you’ve created a little space between the emotion and the action, take a moment to assess the situation — more specifically, your emotions and your thoughts (and, if helpful, the environment you’re in).
Start with what is happening in your body. Scan for any sensations, like a rapidly beating heart and shallow breath, heaviness in the pit of your stomach, buzzing in your head. Maybe your fists are clenched or your jaw is tense.
What do you notice? Is there any way to offer comfort to those sensations or parts of the body?
Next, examine your thoughts. Pay close attention to whether or not your thoughts reflect the reality of the situation. “My daughter hates me” is a story you may be telling yourself about the situation. “My daughter seems upset, as her voice is raised and she is talking faster” is a more grounded observation.
Lastly, you might take note of the environment to ground even further. Scan the room, notice your feet on the ground, and remind yourself that this is just one moment in time.
The goal of this step is to separate the story you’re telling yourself about the situation from what is actually happening, so the actions you take next can support a better outcome.
Don’t rush this step! If it feels awkward to do all of this internally, you might say to the person you’re in conflict with, “I need to take a moment to calm down. I’m going to take a minute.”
Proceed mindfully
If your goal is to end the interaction on a positive or neutral note, what is one action you can take in service of that goal?
Stay grounded and decide if that action is possible in the moment, or, if needed, you should separate until it becomes possible again. There is no shame in taking a break until everyone has calmed down some, and can navigate the conflict more intentionally.
Remember, progress is more important than perfection — every effort you make to practice this skill, however imperfectly, is still meaningful progress.
Prioritize Validation Over Correction
Teens don’t just need guidance toward the “correct” choice or way of thinking. While it can be tempting to lecture teens, this doesn’t actually address their underlying emotional needs, like feeling heard, learning to trust themselves, and having their experiences and thoughts taken seriously.
This is especially true when teens are experiencing dysregulation. And validation doesn’t have to be complex! Sometimes it’s as simple as nodding along, making direct eye contact, and offering genuine affirmation (“that makes sense!” “I hear you”).
More often than not, the emotional intensity of what they’re experiencing stems from an unmet need (remember, this isn’t all that different from infancy!).
Where nodding along may not feel like enough, especially when things become heated, you might try pairing validation with curiosity, especially if you’re unsure what your teen’s underlying need might be.
A simple way to practice validation and curiosity is through naming the emotions you sense from your teen, and then asking a related question.
Validation with curiosity (not correction!) might sound like:
- I can see that you’re disappointed that you don’t get to spend time with your friends tonight. It probably doesn’t feel fair that I get to decide when you see them and when you don’t. Am I getting that right?
- I know that when I raised my voice earlier, it really angered you, and that my apology alone still feels disappointing. Are you open to talking through how I can make it up to you, or would you rather take a break right now?
- I get that doing homework is literally the last thing you want to do when you’re already tired from volleyball practice. I know how frustrating that must feel. Recognizing that your schoolwork still has to get done tonight, is there something we can plan to do together that would make this feel even 5% easier?
Many parents fear that if they validate their teen’s emotions, they’re also co-signing the harmful or unhelpful behaviors that have stemmed from those emotions in the past. But remember, demonstrating that you care and understand will likely have the opposite effect, especially over time!
In a more regulated and connected place, your teen can act in more skillful ways that align with their values. This will also build up the trust necessary to lean on you when making decisions in the future, rather than self-isolating or pulling away.
Avoid Extremes and Embrace the “Both/And”
It is crucial to remember that two things can be true. This is a paradox that comes up quite often in conflict, but we may default to either/or, black-and-white thinking instead of embracing the nuances — especially when we’re dysregulated.
“Either/or” thinking in parents can sound like:
- She’s always getting into trouble when we visit her birth mom’s house.
- I clearly can’t trust him when he keeps failing his classes like this.
- I know I didn’t raise a bad kid — it must be that new boyfriend of theirs.
Embracing “both/and” as a parent can sound like:
- It seems like she really struggles when we visit her birth mom, and I wonder if there are stressors we can manage ahead of time and after, knowing these trips can be hard.
- I’m disappointed that he’s struggling academically, and it’s my job to figure out what supports are missing so he can succeed.
- I’m noticing that my child is behaving in ways that are new and concerning to me, and the best way to understand what’s going on with them is to connect with them. Rather than assuming why, this is an opportunity to hear in their own words what might be happening.
By modeling this kind of nuance and emotional ownership, we may also notice our teens doing the same.
Instead of defaulting to extremes, our teens can begin to see us with the same complexity and empathy we’ve practiced offering them. In turn, this creates a space for vulnerability between us.
A teen who then used to say something dismissive like, “You always overreact when I fail a test! It’s not that big a deal!” might, with time, share something more vulnerable, like: “I know you’re disappointed. I want to do better, I just don’t know how.”
Address Ongoing Stressors and Plan Ahead Where Possible
Knowing that our baseline is impacted by our environment and life circumstances, it’s important as a parent to be mindful of how your teen may be more vulnerable depending on how supported they are at a given time.
While you can’t control your child’s emotions or behavior, you can set them up for success by boosting their resilience. If your child seems to be argumentative or unfocused in the first hour at school, for example, you might look more closely at the breakfast they’ve been skipping.
You may also plan ahead for the triggers you know are coming. In the week before and during finals, you can expect that emotional baseline to be compromised — so you might make a more intentional effort to have their favorite snacks on-hand, ready for when your teen comes home from school… rather than waiting until they’re hungry and picking fights with a sibling.
Beyond food, you might look at things like sleep, social support, emotional and creative outlets, and more. Maybe a recent pet loss is a good opportunity to sign up for the summer arts camp they’ve wanted to try. When there’s conflict with a co-parent, maybe scheduling a sleepover to get them out of the house could be supportive.
Encourage Emotional Regulation Activities For Teens
Emotional regulation isn’t just about a parent anticipating a teen’s needs! You might also teach your teen about the importance of self-care, and get a sense of what activities can help them come back to their baseline.
It can be helpful to categorize activities as energizing and soothing. Sometimes when we’re feeling low and deflated, we need supports that are energizing; other times, our heightened emotions may call for something more soothing.
Encouraging your teen to keep track of what types of self-care tend to be uniquely energizing or soothing for them can help resource them during difficult times. There may even be artistic and fun ways of capturing this information — like on a Pinterest board or in a journal — so they can reference it in the future when things are hard.
Red Flags in Teenage Behavior: When It’s Time to Get Support
While as parents we may wish we had a handy list of red flags that would tell us when something is wrong, the truth is, every teen is different.
While some teens tend to externalize their pain in ways that are more obvious to others — like substance use, explosive emotions, lashing out — others may internalize their pain instead, even hiding from us the extent to which they are suffering.
Self-injury, suicidal ideation or threats, substance use, fights that escalate into emotional or physical abuse, or intense sensitivity are all clear signals that a teen needs support, but not all teens will actually outwardly indicate their distress, especially if they don’t feel safe sharing their struggles.
If you sense that your teen is struggling — especially if you, as the parent, are struggling to engage with them from a regulated place — it’s important to trust your gut and seek out additional support, ideally for both of you.
At Evolve, we specialize in supporting teens who struggle with emotional dysregulation, and helping the parents and caregivers that love them find a new path forward.
We offer a free virtual parent support group, allowing parents to connect with one another while receiving professional guidance, as well as offering intensive and personalized care for teens who need support in building the skills needed for emotional regulation.
Not sure where to start? Get in touch with our admissions team with our simple online form.
