5 Things to Say (And What Not to Say) When Your Child Comes Out

Written & Approved By:

Natalie Tenenbaum, LCSW

5 Things to Say (And What Not to Say) When Your Child Comes Out

When a child comes out as LGBTQ+, many parents don’t realize that this isn’t just a revelation — it’s an opportunity for closeness and connection.

When your child was a baby, their needs were pretty simple: food, sleep, and clean diapers. As the years pass, knowing what your child needs or wants from you becomes harder to decipher. Growing up can be difficult, but parents have the power to make that process easier. You can encourage them in interests you may not share, help them excel in activities you don’t have an aptitude for, and support and affirm them as they share who they are becoming and how they feel. You don’t need to have experienced what they’re going through or have the exact right thing to say in order to be there for your child.  

In the last decade, there has been a noticeable uptick in young people “ coming out” as broader awareness of LGBTQ+ people (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and related identities) has grown. Some want to write this off as a trend or fad, but the truth is young people are  identifying as LGBTQ+  earlier in life because they feel safer to explore who they are, and have the vocabulary and support to better articulate their experiences. LGBTQ+ youth mental health support continues to grow. There are even gender-affirming treatment options today for LGBTQ+ teens struggling with mental health issues or substance use disorders. 

This shift has meant that more and more non-LGBTQ+ parents are encountering a learning curve that they might not have been prepared for. There are still many parents whose first or most memorable encounters with the idea of LGBTQ+ people comes from panicked headlines and news stories, suggesting that LGBTQ+ people have ill intentions or agendas. But LGBTQ+ people are just that — people — and they want what most anyone else wants: to be loved, to be respected, to find happiness, and to feel safe.

You may also have been exposed to the painful reality that LGBTQ+  people are more vulnerable to mental health struggles, self-harm, and substance use, which has often led to questions about the well-being of LGBTQ+  people and especially youth.

Support and Community Are Key

If those stats and stories have you worried, rest assured, every major medical association in the United States continues to affirm that supportive care for queer and gender expansive young people saves lives. This is because the greatest threat to the safety and well-being of LGBTQ+ young people is a society (and in particular, family and immediate community) that fails to support them.

As a team that specializes in adolescent mental health, we have seen the life-changing impact of affirming LGBTQ+  young people. We have also, tragically, witnessed what happens when young people feel they have no one to turn to.

If your child has come out to you but you aren’t sure what to say, here’s some guidance on how to respond (and how not to!).

1. “I’ll always love and support you — this doesn’t change that.”

The most important thing you can do for a queer and/or gender expansive child is to assure them that you love them, and that their identity does not change the love that you have for them.

Of course, it’s understandable to have grief, questions, and fears around your child’s  coming out. It will take time to untangle the emotions that come with this.

And, when your child shares something important with you — especially about who they are — know that how you respond can set a precedent for how safe they feel to be open with you in the future.

And then, pair it with loving action: Follow your child’s lead. If they want to celebrate their coming out, celebrate with them! If they’d prefer to keep it low key, and don’t want to make a big deal out of it, respect their desire for privacy. 

Being supportive means something different to each LGBTQ+ child, so be curious about what it might mean for your child in particular.

Don’t say: “I still love you, even if you’re [identity].”

Loving your child in spite of their identity suggests that you might find that part of them shameful or bad, but are willing to overlook it. This can have a negative impact on the emotional well-being and development of that child, as it can inadvertently foster self-hatred, suppression, and more shame.

The usage of “if” here can also land as invalidating. While it’s true that some people may come out more than once in life or change their mind, your job as a parent isn’t to decide what is and isn’t true for your child — your job is to support them as they explore who they are and answer those questions for themselves. 

When we don’t validate our child’s inner knowing, we can undermine their self-trust well into the future.

2. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Coming out takes tremendous courage. While it may seem like LGBTQ+ acceptance has grown significantly, and therefore is less of a “big deal” for some, it is still a risk when teens share this part of themselves. That willingness to take a risk — in order to live more authentically and have honest, close relationships with others — deserves acknowledgment.

By expressing gratitude to your child for sharing this part of themselves with you, you affirm for them that who they are, how they feel, and what they want in life matters to you. 

You don’t need to understand every aspect of their identity to be able to honor their courage and their trust in you.

And then, pair it with loving action: Be sure to ask your child who they do and don’t want to have this information. 

In some cases, a child will ask the parent to educate other members of the family, teachers, and/or neighbors. In other cases, a child will opt to keep this part of themselves more private as they figure things out. Let your child know that they get to decide who knows this and how those conversations unfold.

Don’t say: “Please don’t tell … [Grandma, Dad, Teacher, etc]”

When parents are scared, they may feel the urge to control how and when a child shares their identity with others. This can backfire, however, leaving a child feeling as if who they are is now a burden, a shameful secret, or a liability.

While there are some instances where staying “closeted” is a legitimate part of staying safe, chances are, your child has already been considering who is and isn’t safe to come out to, and how they would like others to be involved or not.

It’s important not to focus on your own anxiety or discomfort, but instead, show up with compassion. Recognize that when it comes to awkward conversations or even conflict around your child’s identity, it’s ultimately the responsibility of adults to support them appropriately and be supportive.

If needed, you can decide together what compromises, if any, your child may be willing to make to stay safe, but be sure to stay curious and allow your child to have a voice about what their level of comfort and fear is.

You may have to make difficult decisions to protect your child from the rejection of others, but there are support groups and mental health professionals who can help if it feels too daunting to navigate on your own.

3. “Whatever challenges may come, I’ve got your back.”

We don’t have to pretend that being LGBTQ+ in this world is a particularly easy thing. 

But parents do have a responsibility to ensure, to the best of their ability, that they are able to hold two truths: Embracing one’s authenticity and finding their community can be a wonderful thing, and it can come with real risks that are unfair, undeserved, and uncertain.

Chances are, your child is already aware on some level of what those dangers are. They don’t necessarily need you to outline them, but reassurance that you’ll do everything within your power to protect and support them can go a long way.

And then, pair it with loving action: Learn about the very real policies that will impact your child’s life. For example, does their school or school district have non-discrimination policies that include your child’s identity? Are there specific laws or ordinances in your city or state that will impact your child’s access to education, sports teams, bathrooms, etc? 

Getting in touch with your closest LGBTQ+ community center or nonprofit can be a great place to start. Organizations for allies and families, like PFLAG, can help connect you with resources as well.

Don’t say: “But what if you get bullied/attacked/hurt?”

When parents say this, they’re often looking for reassurance around their own fear — but soothing your fears as the parent isn’t the responsibility of your child.

The reality is, most LGBTQ+  children, by the time they’ve come out to a parent, are extremely aware of the potential risks of being open about who they are. 

They have almost certainly witnessed anti-LGBTQ+ bullying or heard such statements before. More than likely, they are already afraid and have already considered the potential ramifications of coming out long before they shared this part of themselves with you.

While you may be quick to assume that hiding is inherently better, that isn’t true for all young people. For some who identify as LGBTQ+, the pain of self-denial can become too costly. Or, they may feel unwilling to live a lie or allow fear to make their decisions. (Some parents may find comfort in a quote that is often attributed to Marianne Williamson, “All that I love is more important than all that I fear.”)

Regardless, your job as a parent is to listen and affirm that while there are no easy choices, your love and dedication to their happiness and safety will be unwavering.

4. “How can I support you?”

Every LGBTQ+ child is different in what they need to feel supported. Some kids will have directions to the nearest hair salon already texted to you, or will excitedly share that they’d like to hang a pride flag above their bed. Sometimes “ coming out” can feel freeing, and your kid might feel ready to express their excitement in visible and meaningful ways.

Other kids may feel more focused on logistics, requesting a hard conversation with a family member or an email to be sent to a teacher about pronouns. They may want to speak to a therapist to resolve unanswered questions, or begin attending a peer support group to connect with others who share this identity.

The best way to know how to support your child is to ask them.

And then, pair it with loving action: Do those things! And commit to checking in later to ensure that your child still feels supported (which should include keeping an eye on their mental health, as  coming out can be a difficult experience depending on your child’s situation).

Don’t say: “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

If your child felt able, ready, and safe enough to do so, they would have told you sooner. We can’t rush our child’s process, but we can choose to support them with compassion.

If you’re upset by the timing of your child’s coming out, consider getting support for yourself to process these emotions without making statements that might make your child feel guilty or regretful about sharing with you.

5. “I know I have a lot to learn. I really appreciate how patient you’re being.”

For parents who are nervous about saying the “wrong thing,” this statement can alleviate some of the stress of needing to be perfect. 

This isn’t a free pass to never educate yourself or grow, of course, but it’s an acknowledgment of where you are in your learning while appreciating how this may be impacting your child.

And then, pair it with loving action: Do the learning! There are so many great resources for parents online, and while it’s not your child’s job to provide a syllabus for you, they might already have articles they’d like you to read or videos to watch. 

Remember , if your child is asking you to learn something, this isn’t an attempt to “correct” you, but rather, to connect with you. 

Affirming your child’s experience of who they are is part of how you build trust and safety, and their desire for you to learn more is an attempt to maintain the trust and safety of your relationship.

Don’t say: “This is really hard for me, too. I spent your whole life thinking…”

This is another example of a parent who is inadvertently expecting their child to help soothe their fears or work through their frustrations. 

While it’s understandable to have those feelings, your child isn’t the right person to process them with you. What they need from you is steady and loving support, rather than being made to feel like who they are is a problem or an inconvenience. And remember, you’re not alone in this process. There are many helpful resources, including support groups for parents that can help with suggestions for how to support a teen coming out.

Remember: If your LGBTQ+ child has come out to you, it’s an invitation and an opportunity. 

You’re likely an important and trusted person in their journey, which is why they’re sharing this part of themselves with you!

While parents often experience grief upon learning that their child is LGBTQ+ — which can include surprise, fear, concern, confusion, and even anger — this is an opportunity to model for your child what happens when they are vulnerable with you.

Affirming parenting is centered on your child’s needs and feelings. By being compassionate and curious with their experience, you may even find a closer and stronger relationship on the other side of this.

Of course, it’s normal to feel anxious about saying the “wrong thing” or making mistakes. But know that all parents make mistakes. It’s showing up with humility, unconditional support, and a willingness to own our mistakes that often leaves a bigger impression on our children. 

Becoming the parents our children deserve isn’t about being perfect all the time — it’s about continuing to grow, and choosing connection over comfort.

Frequently Asked Questions by Parents of LGBTQ+ Teens 


Looking for support as a parent of an LGBTQ+ child? Learn more about how Evolve helps LGBTQ+ youth.

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