As parents, we know that not everything our teen does online (or in life!) is within our control. 

Some of us may even feel that our teens are more knowledgeable about the technology we’re trying to protect them from than we are!

Even with monitoring software, teens today seem to find workarounds and access websites we’d never want them to see. Their peers could engage in cyberbullying on the same websites we’d once approved of. Someone with bad intentions could still find a way to engage them over DMs, no matter how many times we give the “don’t talk to strangers” lecture.

Now, with AI becoming more advanced, teens may not even realize they’re speaking with a stranger to begin with. 

With duped photos of loved ones and even face-swapped video calls — both easily manufactured now through the use of AI — deception in the digital age has only become increasingly harder to spot, for teens and adults alike.

The question of online safety is more pressing than ever, and as much as we may wish to keep our teens offline altogether, it’s challenging when the internet — which their generation has never existed without — is such a ubiquitous part of daily life, and a crucial source of information, entertainment, culture, and connection.

So how do we keep teens safe when the stakes have never been higher? These are a few of our most timely tips for parents concerned about their teens’ internet safety.

1. ‘Stranger danger’ is not the only threat to teens online.

Many parents make the mistake of pitching internet safety as merely another version of the “don’t talk to strangers” conversation. But the reality for teens today is much more complex. 

Research conducted by Pew Research Center in 2022 revealed that nearly half of all teens in the United States have experienced cyberbullying, and previous studies have shown that the majority of cyberbullying is instigated by someone a teen knows personally.

For those of us who didn’t grow up with this version of the internet, we may mistakenly think that cyberbullying stops when we log off or disengage, making it less damaging to the mental health of teens. 

But unlike a bully we leave behind at school, part of what makes cyberbullying so detrimental is that they effectively “follow” victims wherever they go, and the escalation of such behavior makes it difficult to simply disregard or ignore.

Cyberbullying is also linked to many adverse effects, including recurring physical pain, insomnia, and high rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.

So what can parents do about cyberbullying?

Know the signs of a teen being involved in cyberbullying:

• A major increase or decrease in device usage (like texting way more often, or avoiding their phone altogether)
• Seeming jumpy or distressed when receiving a phone notification
• Strong emotional responses to what’s on a teen’s phone (like suddenly becoming angry, tearful, or highly stressed or anxious)
• Hiding their device from you or refusing to discuss what they’re doing online
• Shutting down old social media accounts and/or creating new ones
• Withdrawing from social situations generally and/or avoiding peers
• Refusing to go to school without explanation, or inquiring about switching schools/being homeschooled
• Asking to change their phone number or use someone else’s device
• Becoming more depressed and isolated

Talk about what to do when harassment happens: 

• Document: Screenshot or otherwise keep detailed records of any harassment before blocking and/or reporting. 
• Disengage: Encourage teens not to respond to or engage with harassing comments, if possible, while recognizing that this can be challenging when emotions are high.
• Delegate: Teens don’t need to shoulder this alone. They can and should reach out to a safe adult for support, who can monitor and appropriately intervene.
• Distance: Creating distance between the teen and the harasser(s) is crucial. This might be emotional and social distance, by taking time away from social media. This might also necessitate physical distance or legal protection, depending on the type of harassment.

2. Parental controls and other monitoring software aren’t the be-all end-all.

Some parents assume that using monitoring software (or “parental controls”) is the surest way to protect teens online. However, the research doesn’t solidly back this, and some experts suggest that monitoring a teen’s device usage as a standalone intervention can actually increase problematic use behaviors in the long run.

In fact, researchers have found that the use of monitoring software actually correlated more strongly with authoritarian parenting than it did with healthy, involved parenting, and therefore increased the number of online risks teens encountered.

One of the other dangers of assuming that monitoring software is adequate is that it can produce a sort of complacency, or an “asleep at the wheel” phenomenon in parents, making them less likely to prepare teens for what they may encounter online, or help them develop healthy coping mechanisms when those situations arise.

There are also valid questions, which continue to be studied, about how such tools can undermine the parent-child relationship when they’re used to control behavior and diminish privacy, rather than as a mediation tool and a barrier that is discussed openly and reflects age-appropriate boundaries for teens.

While research in this area is ongoing, it’s important to know that parental controls are not a substitute for involved parenting, and in some cases, teens may find workarounds if they feel they are being punished rather than trusted, respected, and protected.

3. Practicing ‘WOAH’ can be helpful in making safety conversations more impactful.

“WOAH” is an acronym we designed to help parents remember how to frame ongoing conversations about internet safety with your teen (though it can apply to many types of conversations!).

The acronym “WOAH” stands for:

Walking the Walk

In short, anything you ask your teen to do online should either be a precaution you’re also taking, or something you’re able to reasonably explain, should they ask about it.

For example, if you ask your teen to use a pseudonym online or to obscure their location while out with friends, are you doing the same? 

If not, are you able to explain why that isn’t the case (for example, your LinkedIn uses your last name because it’s connected to your job, or you’re running for city council) in a way that makes sense to them?

“Because I said so” is rarely a compelling explanation for teens, and may actually undermine their trust in you, so it’s important to model internet safety and be willing to explain where some nuances may exist for adults while not always being applicable to younger people (which will also help prepare them to make these decisions for themselves in adulthood!).

While it’s true that young people are uniquely vulnerable to exploitation by adults, that doesn’t make adults immune to things like harassment, stalking, scams, and so on, so be sure to self-reflect if you aren’t practicing what you preach.

Openness to Feedback

Teaching isn’t the only thing parents should be doing when talking about internet safety with teens — they should be listening and open to dialogue, which may include receiving feedback about what is and isn’t helpful for your teen. 

Supporting teens by asking clarifying questions, and allowing them to develop their own point of view by demonstrating curiosity and openness, can help reinforce the critical thinking that they need when engaging online. 

This kind of dialogue can also foster self-trust for when their gut is telling them something isn’t right, and trust in you as someone that will support them in a nonjudgmental way if and when they ask for help.

It can feel counterintuitive at first to approach these conversations not as rule-setting, but as practice for the risks and challenges they’ll encounter online.

However, in the long run, it empowers teens with discernment and creates stronger communication between the two of you, which research does show is more strongly correlated with reduced risks online.

Age-Appropriate Examples

It can be helpful for teens to hear from someone closer in age about internet safety. The goal is not to scare them, but instead, to encourage them to learn from a variety of sources and perspectives, including those that they may find more relatable.

For example, in recent weeks, YouTuber Kaelyn Wilkins came forward with her experience as one of the teens featured on the now defunct channel “SevenSuperGirls.”

In the video series, she describes the many ways in which being a child YouTuber impacted her, especially at the hands of the channel’s creator, Ian Rylett, who was later arrested on counts of sexual exploitation and assault of another child performer.

Many child influencers like Kaelyn are now coming of age, raising larger concerns about grooming, exploitation, and even abuse within the industry. With 57% of Gen Zers now saying they would like to pursue content creation as a career, stories like Kaelyn’s are crucial for young people who may not be aware of the risks.

Parents may consider such examples a teaching tool — especially when they go viral and become part of a larger conversation. Such tools provide real experiences from younger people that may feel more relatable to teens than that of their parents (who may have less experience with social media overall).

Honesty

Emotional honesty can help shift a conversation about safety from being a lecture to a moment of connection.

“It’s my job to protect you” can make parenting sound like an assignment or duty, and can inadvertently create debate around how much protection a teen feels they require.

“I’m scared someone will hurt you” places the onus of the parent’s fear on the child, though, which is not their responsibility.

Being emotionally open about your intentions, without placing your fears or distress onto your child, can help guide the conversation in a more positive direction.

This might sound like, “I want you to feel safe online, and it’s important to me that we have these conversations so you feel confident coming to me in situations that may feel uncomfortable or even scary.”

When referencing real life examples, you might also be sure to name your emotional response as a way of modeling how victims of online abuse and exploitation should be treated. 

For example, “I really feel for Kaelyn. I can see how this escalated over a long period of time, and how that made it harder to see when she was being harmed. There’s no excuse for an adult treating her that way.”

4. The best protection for teens will always be a trusting relationship with safe adults.

The most crucial safeguard we can provide as parents is to assure teens that if they feel unsafe or threatened online, they have adults who won’t judge or punish them for it.

It’s important not to assume your teen will open up to you in these contexts, especially if you’ve never spoken about them or demonstrated that their safety is important to you even and especially when they “mess up.”

For example, newer crimes like sextortion (in which teen boys in particular have been lured into sending nude images, only to have them used as blackmail) have resulted in a wave of teen suicides, with some happening as quickly as six hours after the start of the conversation.

When such scams are designed as a pressure chamber for teens — threatening not only to humiliate them but to contact family, peers, and even schools — things can escalate quickly, with teens feeling trapped and coerced into harming themselves.

In this sense, a safe adult who teens feel they can open up to, even when they’ve made a mistake, can be the difference between life and death (though to be clear, sextortion is a crime and the only person at fault is the perpetrator, not the teen victim).

Sextortion may feel like a more extreme example, but there is simply no way for parents to prevent bad actors from contacting their teens, no way to anticipate every new method they’ll utilize, and no way to guarantee that a teen won’t be tempted, manipulated, or groomed.

This is why a “panic button” can be incredibly helpful for parents and teens. 

If you’ve ever heard of the phrase “say uncle,” it essentially means that you’re asking for mercy in a situation where you are trapped and want to be set free.

Some parents already have a version of this in their households, like when they tell their teen that, day or night, they should never get in the car with a drunk driver, and that all they have to do is call to get a ride. Some parents may even have a codeword for these situations.

There won’t be a punishment or argument on the way home — there will simply be a discussion much later, when things are calmer, about what happened and how to stay safe in the future.

Parents might consider expanding on this idea, letting teens know that in any situation — especially those where they may have made a mistake, like sending an intimate photo or giving an address to a stranger — if they feel afraid or uncomfortable, they can hit the “panic button” and delay any kind of discussion or potential discipline, and solely focus on helping the teen out of the situation as quickly and safely as possible.

While we can’t always stop teens from making mistakes or encountering bad actors in the world, we can make ourselves a safe enough adult so that they feel comfortable letting us know when they need our help.

If you find your teen repeatedly engaging in harmful behaviors online, or if they are having continued mental health struggles as a result of harm they experienced online, they may need additional help.

At Evolve, we specialize in adolescent mental health, and offer support to teens struggling with depression, anxiety, self-harm, anger, and more, while working with families to ensure they emerge on the other side closer and stronger than ever.

We know that it takes a village to raise a healthy adult. With Evolve, you don’t have to do this alone.