As a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 15 years of experience specializing in adolescent mental health and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), I understand how overwhelming it can be to parent a teen with intense emotions. In my webinar, I shared practical strategies to help you navigate the challenges of teen emotion dysregulation, from emotional outbursts to suicidal behaviors. This blog post distills those insights into actionable steps to empower you to support your teen and strengthen your relationship. Drawing from my expertise and passion for helping families, I’ll guide you through evidence-based techniques to foster emotional balance and resilience in your teen—and yourself.
Watch the full parent workshop here.
What is Emotion Dysregulation?
Emotion dysregulation refers to difficulty managing intense emotions, often leading to impulsive behaviors, suicidal thoughts, or challenges like borderline personality disorder. Emotions are a full system response, encompassing:
- Subjective feelings: The internal experience of emotions like sadness or anger.
- Cognitions: Thoughts that accompany emotions.
- Body sensations: Physical signs like muscle tension, heat, or nausea.
- Urges and behaviors: Impulses to act, such as yelling or self-harm, and observable actions like body language.
For parents wondering how to handle teen emotional outbursts or how to help your teen with big emotions, understanding this holistic view of emotions is critical. Emotions are not random; they are triggered by prompting events in the environment, and recognizing these triggers can help parents support their teens effectively.
The Emotional Experience: A Wave, Not a Constant
One common misconception is that intense emotions are static or endlessly escalating. Emotions operate in waves, with peaks and valleys, eventually returning to a baseline. This is a key insight for parents asking why their teen experiences such intense mood swings. Understanding that emotions are temporary can reduce feelings of helplessness and provide hope that regulation is possible.
For teens with emotion dysregulation, these waves may feel relentless, as if they’re “hit in the face” repeatedly. This can lead to a belief that their distress is unending, when in reality emotions are dynamic and manageable with the right tools.
The Biosocial Theory: Why Some Teens Struggle More
In my work with DBT, I rely on the biosocial theory developed by Marsha Linehan to explain why some teens experience emotions more intensely. It suggests:
- Biological temperament: Some individuals are born with heightened emotional sensitivity or impulsivity.
- Environmental influence: The social environment can amplify or suppress this temperament.
For example, a child with high emotional vulnerability may react strongly to cues like criticism, experiencing longer, more intense emotional waves. If you’re wondering, “Why is my teen so emotional?” this framework shows their struggles may stem from biology and environment, not your parenting.
The Emotional Spectrum: Over-Control vs. Out-Of-Control
I often describe a spectrum of emotional regulation:
- Over-control: Suppressing emotions to the point of difficulty identifying them, often due to learned aversion.
- Out-Of-control: Experiencing frequent, intense emotional waves with little ability to regulate.
The goal is to guide your teen toward a balanced middle ground where emotions are safely experienced and managed. Recognizing where your teen falls on this spectrum can shape your support. Reflect on your own emotional style, too, as differences can impact communication.
The Dysregulation Cycle: How Parents and Teens Influence Each Other
A key concept I shared is the dysregulation cycle between parents and teens. When your teen expresses intense emotions, your response can escalate or de-escalate the situation. Dismissing their feelings as “dramatic” can worsen dysregulation, while validating their experience helps them feel understood. Ineffective responses, like judgment, can reinforce problematic behaviors, so mindful responses are essential.
Practical Strategies for Supporting Your Teen
Here are DBT-inspired strategies I recommend to support your teen with emotion dysregulation.
1. Regulate Yourself First
Before helping your teen, regulate your own emotions using the STOP skill (Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully):
- Stop: Pause what you’re doing or saying.
- Take a step back: Create space, like saying, “I need five minutes, then we’ll talk.”
- Observe: Notice your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations (e.g., clenched jaw).
- Proceed mindfully: Choose a calm, effective response.
2. Validate Your Teen’s Emotions
Validation, a core DBT skill, involves acknowledging your teen’s feelings without judgment. Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try, “I see you’re really upset. That sounds tough.” Tips include:
- Listen actively: Maintain eye contact, avoid multitasking.
- Reflect back: Paraphrase to show you’re listening.
- Acknowledge context: Recognize how circumstances make their feelings valid.
- Be genuine: Avoid dismissive tones.
3. Avoid Judgment and Extremes
Judgmental statements like “You’re always so dramatic” escalate emotions. Reframe with validation, like, “I don’t like how you’re talking. Can we try a calmer approach?” Avoid extremes like “always” or “never” to acknowledge nuance, e.g., “Sometimes you follow rules, sometimes it’s harder.”
4. Delay Problem-Solving
When emotions are high, problem-solving can feel invalidating. Validate first and ask, “What do you need? Talk, coping skills, or problem-solving?”
5. Take Breaks
Taking breaks during heated moments lets both of you ride the emotional wave and return to baseline, preventing escalation.
6. Prevent Vulnerability to Intense Emotions
Reduce emotional vulnerability by:
- Prioritizing self-care: Ensure sleep, balanced meals, exercise.
- Building positive emotions: Share value-aligned activities, like family outings.
- Seeking support: Consider therapy for yourself
The Importance of Compassion and Support
Supporting a teen with emotion dysregulation is tough, but with the right tools, it’s manageable. You’re not expected to know this instinctively, and seeking help is a strength. For those looking for teen mental health resources I recommend:
- Books: Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions and The Power of Validation (available on Amazon).
- Free Support: Our virtual parent support group, open to the community.
- Professional Help: Therapy for you and your teen to build skills.
Parenting a teen with emotion dysregulation is challenging, but you can break the cycle of dysregulation with DBT skills like validation, mindfulness, and self-care. These strategies offer a roadmap to support your teen and yourself.
