If a Parent Thinks Their Teenager is a Victim of Dating Violence, How Can They Be Sure?

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: their child being abused. Sexually, emotionally, or physically, it doesn’t matter which – they’re all virtually unbearable to conceive. And that’s for us, the adults, thinking about it from the outside. We have life experience, we have perspective, and we have a fully developed prefrontal cortex that enables us to use reason, control our emotions, and process disturbing information and the associated emotions. We’re not navigating a rollercoaster of physical, emotional, and hormonal changes the way our teenage children are. Nor are we figuring out how to fit in with a new social group. We’re not forming our personalities, developing our sexual identities, or exploring romantic relationships for the first time. We’ve been there, and we’ve done all that. If your teen has been abused, it’s an impossibly confusing experience for them to untangle – on top of what’s already a difficult period of life to handle.

It’s not at all surprising most adolescent victims of sexual abuse don’t speak up. In fact, statistics show that sixty-three percent of sexual assaults go unreported. What may be surprising to parents is that  sexual violence happens between teens. It’s called Teen Dating Violence. If you suspect your teen is the victim of teen dating violence, the warning signs are the same as those for any type of sexual abuse.

Sexual Abuse In Teens: Signs and Symptoms

One reason it’s difficult to assess abnormalities in teen behavior is because teen behavior itself can appear unpredictable and erratic to adults. Problems such as substance use and emotional disorders can look like typical teen behavior, and vice-versa. In light of this, the best way to find out if a behavior or set of behaviors indicates a serious, underlying issue like sexual abuse is to go straight to the source and talk to your teen about what you see.

Look for the following signs, which we’ve adapted from the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network teen sexual abuse Warning Signs page. If they’re present, initiate a serious dialogue with your teen about what you think is happening.

Teen Sexual Abuse Warning Signs

  • Unexplained bruises or injuries
  • Discoloration, pain, or bleeding in, on, or around genitals
  • Pain during urination or bowel movements
  • Symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases. Click here for a CDC fact sheet on STDs.
  • Abrupt changes in academic performance
  • Increase in anxiety
  • Mood swings
  • Symptoms of depression: persistent sadness, withdrawal from friends or activities, changes in sleep patterns, loss of appetite
  • Talk of suicide, suicidal behaviors, and/or self-harming behaviors
  • Change in self-care: decrease in personal hygiene and attention to appearance
  • Alcohol or drug use

If you see these signs and initiate a dialogue, the way you do it is very important, especially at the very beginning. In addition to the confounding factors we mention above – the hormones, the stage of brain development, the social pressures – your teen may be feeling an overwhelming sense of shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing.

How to Talk to Your Teen About Sexual Abuse

Your fundamental duty is to establish an atmosphere of trust and respect. Be loving, delicate, sensitive, understanding, and empathetic. Be kind. You can be all the things you were to them when they were infants, toddlers, or school-age children – all without being patronizing. If that’s sounds hard, that’s because it is hard. Nothing about the situation is easy. Everything counts, from your body language to your words to how you react to what they say. Take care to establish, from the very beginning, that your love and support is unwavering and unconditional. You’re on their side and you want to help. And whatever happened, they are not to blame and they certainly aren’t in trouble.

If you’re worried a conversation like this is beyond your capacity – that perhaps your emotions are too strong and you may be unable to maintain the steady, solid support your child needs – consult this tip sheet. If you’d like additional guidance, please reach out to trained professionals to help guide you through the process. They’ll help you navigate the situation. They’ll also inform you of any legal action you can take if you discover what you fear is true.

You can start with these two resources:

The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

The Rape and Incest National Network Online Chat: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/