Friendship breakups are painful — not only do they impact our hearts, they actually change our brains. Here’s what to know and how to move through it.

When we’re going through a friendship breakup, especially for the first time, many of us can be caught off guard by how painful it is.

But a brief search on Reddit or a random poll of people you know often yields a similar consensus: Friendship breakups, especially with close friends, can hurt just as much — if not more — than a breakup with a romantic interest or partner.

Our friendships can be just as emotionally intimate, connected, and long-lasting as a romantic partnership (and in many cases, last even longer!), so that emotional pain makes perfect sense. 

And, it’s incredibly important to validate whatever you may be feeling. Losing someone we love is not something we can just compartmentalize away because society tells us that this person isn’t as important because of the type of relationship that was had.

While research is limited on how our brains and bodies process a friendship breakup specifically, it does seem that most people describe the pain as being remarkably similar.

By looking at the neurobiology of a romantic breakup, we can predict how other types of significant relational losses might feel, and importantly, how to move through the grief.

Neurobiology 101: This is Your Brain On a Breakup

During an experience of what scientists call “love rejection” (so, a breakup), there are some fairly predictable things that happen with our brain chemistry. 

The four hormones that are most relevant to our understanding of connection and love are cortisol (the stress hormone), dopamine (the pleasure and reward hormone), norepinephrine (the excitement hormone), and serotonin (the mood stabilizing hormone).

When we experience a significant breakup, here’s what these hormones are up to: 

• Serotonin levels tend to drop, which destabilizes our mood
• Cortisol levels increase, which elevates stress 
• When cortisol levels go up, the brain starts pumping out dopamine, making you more driven to seek out satisfaction or reward
• This then produces higher levels of norepinephrine, but rather than feeling excited, the combination of low serotonin and elevated dopamine makes this feel more like restlessness or even agitation and anger

As Dr. Melissa Fabello, human sexuality scholar and relationships expert, describes, “When you’re in the process of trying to get over someone, all of the hormones that make you anxious and energetic are high, and the one that keeps you stable is low.”

Since “love rejection” can encompass a significant and intimate breakup that is otherwise platonic, we can assume some similarities here.

Namely, that during a friendship breakup, you may experience a spectrum of difficult-to-regulate emotions fueled by hormonal changes, including frustration, panic, anger, despair, and betrayal, alongside a surge of restless and even obsessive energy.

Why Am I Obsessing Over a Lost Friendship?

More than likely, it’s that pesky brain chemistry! This is because serotonin is, in part, responsible for managing obsessive and compulsive tendencies. 

Since serotonin levels tend to drop significantly during a breakup, but dopamine and norepinephrine both increase, it’s very common to experience rumination (so, obsessive thinking) alongside difficulty controlling behaviors that might lead to more ruminating.

Some more “compulsive” behaviors that can happen during this stage include scrolling through old text exchanges, venting to anyone who will listen, pouring over photo albums, or even writing emails or rehearsing confrontations in the shower that never end up happening.

You might also experience a sense of panic as cortisol levels continue to rise — when stress hormones are activated, so are dopamine and norepinephrine, which only increases your sense of urgency and desire to act (which can quickly turn into impulsivity when serotonin is less available to regulate your moods!).

In simple terms, you’re feeling really, really low and less able to distract yourself at the exact moment that your brain is also urging you to act and do something about it.

So I should text them, right?

Probably not! Ironically, this combination of hormones is kind of like a mosquito bite — itching may provide short-term satisfaction, but it’s probably going to agitate the bite, making you itchier in the long run.

Remember, conversations — especially those that are confrontational or attempting to mend or repair — are rarely helped by urgency.

If you’re feeling the urge to rush into a confrontation or conversation, it’s better to wait until you’re more grounded and you’ve had time to move through the big emotions associated with that breakup.

And remember, being “numbed out” (so, avoiding your emotions) is not the same as having felt them and processed them. Just because you’re checked out, that doesn’t mean you’re grounded enough to re-engage!

If you’re obsessing over a friend breakup, try this instead:

Why Does It Feel Like I’m Grieving a Friendship Breakup?

For one, it feels like grief likely because it is grief! 

Grief is not just reserved for a spouse or family member passing away — it can be any kind of loss that is disruptive and meaningful to you, including a breakup with a close friend.

It may also feel that way because the neurobiological impact of grief is not all that different from “love rejection”! In both, cortisol (the stress hormone) is released, while dopamine and norepinephrine increase, and in many cases, serotonin levels drop in both contexts as well.

It’s important to remember that there is nothing abnormal about grieving the loss of someone important to you, whether that loss is literal (as in the case of death) or more metaphorical (like the ending of a relationship).

Grief signals to us that we cared about someone and that their absence is felt. Not only is that very normal to experience, it’s also part of what it means to love other people and live a full and connected life.

So when does it stop feeling so bad?

Grief is rarely a straight line. Some people will go through phases of deep sadness, anger, self-doubt, and finally reach a place of acceptance, just to find that a birthday or a song on the radio sends them back into those earlier stages of grief all over again.

But generally speaking, while grief doesn’t totally disappear, it does soften. 

With time, there are more good days than bad days, less intrusive memories and rehearsed confrontations in our heads or our Notes app, and an eventual sense that the loss isn’t so all-consuming — and maybe even that it was for the better.

Remember that grief is also an opportunity to slow down, tend to your emotions, and take really good care of your body, mind, and heart.

If you’re grieving, consider these types of self-care:

It’s Been So Long. Why Can’t I Get Over a Friendship Breakup?

The truth is, when we’re criticizing ourselves for not being “over” a major loss like a friendship breakup, it can have the unintended effect of keeping us stuck.

This is because placing expectations on how we should feel doesn’t allow us to accept and move through how we actually feel. 

As the saying goes, “The only way out is through.” And in this case, when we’ve lost someone important to us, we have to allow ourselves to move through our authentic feelings, rather than tamping down on them or attempting to bypass them.

That said, sometimes a loss stays with us and becomes disruptive to our everyday lives. 

If a friendship breakup is having a noticeable impact on your mental health and well-being, it may be time to get some extra support.

Signs you may need extra support after a friend breakup:

• It’s difficult to maintain your daily living activities (eating, working or studying, hygiene, sleeping, leaving the house)
• You find yourself relying on substances to cope with the grief or pain
• You’re behaving in ways that you regret due to stress of the breakup (for example, sending repeated and unwanted communications to the person, or showing up at their home or workplace)
• You’re questioning if the friendship was abusive or harmful to you in some way
• You’re wondering if you contributed to the friendship dynamic in a potentially harmful or toxic way
• You’re still isolating yourself and/or struggling to form new connections despite some time having passed
• It’s been months and you’re still feeling low or depressed
• You just have a gut feeling that you’re not “quite right” since the breakup happened

Remember, there’s no shame in seeking out support! A licensed mental health provider, like a therapist, can be a great support to untangle the complexities of grief after a friendship loss.